The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What do dogs like to drink? Kit-Tea.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
What did the cloud say to the rainbow? Thank you for adding color to my day.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
How do you keep a goat from charging?
You take his credit card away!
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Don't ever change a light bulb while the oven is on
You'll get burned out
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
The strawberry was very good at racing because he was always juiced up before a race.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Why did Princess Leia lose all her friends and family?
She got involved with Alderaan people.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
Q: Which pretty actress was an ancient Egyptian favorite?
A: Pharaoh Fawcett
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
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