You seem a little mer-mad.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
It's a-boat time we took a vacation!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
Every time I hang out my laundry, I can't resist singing "Nine to Five" ...
Guess that's what I get for using Dolly pegs.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
Witch you were here.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
I made a snap decision to watch football today
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk, but the stump thunk the skunk stunk.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
What do you call a Medieval knight who's always sure of himself?
Sir Tainly.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
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