Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
It's ice to meet you.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What do you call a Belgian who's bad at grammar?
An twerp.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
Where did the bull carry his stock-market report?
In his beef case
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
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