What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Which noble man loves sitting at a round table?
Sir Cumference
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What do you call a dinosaur with a foul mouth? Bronto-swore-us.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
It’s called Elon’s Musk
"What an egg-citing day."
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
What do you call a male witch?
Mitch
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Which genre of music appeals to most cheeses? R'n'Brie
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
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