What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
It's ice to meet you.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
Up to snow good.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
Where do llamas go on vacation?
Alpacapuco.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture... But when I got home, the tables were turned
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Look for a rainbow connection.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
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