Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
We make a great pear
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Everyone remembers the common hieroglyphics grammar rule...
Eye before flea, except after sea.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
Q: Why did peas jump out of an airplane?
A: They wanted to be air pods.
Hey baby, are you a cloud server?
Because I have something to upload from my hard drive.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
How do you know your dehydrated? You can hear your red blood cells crenating.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
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