What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What is a sharks favorite kinda sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish!
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
My pet owl will soon turn 180.
He's not old, he just has a bad neck.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
How about the stylish female crocodile, she's every inch a frock-o-dile.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
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