Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
I wood never leaf you.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What do you call a free treadmill?
The Great Outdoors.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
What did the grandfather ghoul say to his grandson?
You gruesome!
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Case in punt
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
My wife tried to claim she was a night owl.
She was lying though, because when I tried to turn her head through 270 degrees, her neck snapped.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
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