When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
What did one pig say to the other?
Let’s be pen pals.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Got a pet zebra, didn’t realise how hungry they are. He eats like a horse.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
So engineering school is really hard.
I'm not doing so hot in thermodynamics.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What is the best period of a bee's relationship?
The honeymoon.
Better read than dead.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What did the owl booty text his girlfriend?
I’ve been thinking about you owl night long.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
What did the Papa Blanket say to the Mama Blanket when the Baby Blanket was crying?
Comforter.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
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