What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What do you do when a ton of ghosts show up at your house? Hope that it’s Halloween!
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
What do you call a skeleton snake?
A rattler.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What do you get if you cross a witch with a werewolf?
A mad dog that chases airplanes!
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Car puns are really tiring
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
You’re my pot of gold.
I went to the hospital for chest pains but the doctor kept inspecting my spine.
This place is back wards.
When I play my violin it always sounds like it's crying
It's must be too highly strung
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
Something is Wrong With My Bicycle,
it doesn't Go Straight.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
Have you heard about the banker who drowned in a river? It was a river of cash.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
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