Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
What did the beaver say to the other beaver? I love you like no otter.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
Why did the mouse eat a candle?
For some light refreshment!
What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
I love you from my head tomatoes.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
What do vegetarian zombies say?
Graaaiiinnss!
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Seas the day!
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
"I've found some bunny to love."
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall — hope you do too!
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
What’s black and white and bounces?
A rubber panda.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
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