Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.
Icy what you did there.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor?
He was feeling a bit Sikh
What kind of potatoes do zombies like?
Monster mash.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Why aren't there more Bigfoot jokes?
There are, but they're really hard to find!
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
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