Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
I've decided to stop being a fork and become a spoon.
I just woke up one day and didn't see the point anymore.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
"That's all, yolks."
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
Where did Noah keep his bees? In his archive.
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Why does a mummy enjoy celebrating Christmas? As it involves a lot of gifts and wrappings.
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
55. How do you tell a car you are supporting it?
‘We are routing for you!’
What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Long thyme no see.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
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