Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
I have a bone to pixie with you.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Which fish is the most famous? The starfish.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a Spider? A Hare net!
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?
All the sailors were marooned.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
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