What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
How does a chicken mail a letter to her friend?
In a HEN-velope!
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
What do you call two celebrities who get into a gun fight?
One is a shooting star, and the other is a falling star.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
My uncle was crushed by a piano...
His funeral was very low key.
What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!
What is a strawberry's favorite music band? Pearl Jam.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What do you get when you cross a bat with a doorbell?
A ding-bat.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.
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