Hold on for deer life.
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
It's Pierre-reviewed.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
A lion would never cheat on its wife.
But a Tiger wood.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
What do you call an alien spaceship that's leaking water?
A crying saucer.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
Why did the PowerPoint presentation cross the road?
To get to the other slide.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
Why did the freezer run away on its marriage?
It got cold feet
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
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