What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Which legend lived in a shack? Was it Eddy? No, Ma-hovel-ich!
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
My dad and I saw this girl with a colorful backpack covered in pot leaves
He turned to me and said "thats a dope backpack". He is catching onto my slang.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
I went to a dad-joke competition at Medieval Times last weekend..
They called it the Game of Groans.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Snow on and snow forth.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Go to BabaMail
