A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
A sad peach can be really pit-iful, sometimes.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
The umpire kept answering his phone during the softball game.
He said he didn't want to miss any calls.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
What did the beaver say to the river? You can run but can't tide.
All punts are highly intended
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
When I was young, my dad used to throw quarters at my head whenever I acted up.
He said, “Maybe this’ll knock some scents into you.”
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
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