I hope for world peas.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Please excuse my resting beach face.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
I didn't get this "World's Greatest Dad" mug for nothing.
It cost $14.99
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
What is a cat’s favorite movie? The Sound of Mew-sic.
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
Are you a keyboard? Because you are just my type.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Why does lightning strike a tree before a person?
Because it takes the path of leaf resistance.
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