The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked? That hertz.
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What martial art does Earth know?
Geo-Jitsu.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
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