Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
Most people have off on Independence Day. Except fire.
Fire-works on 4th of July.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I wood never leaf you.
What did the duck eat for snack?
Salted Quackers.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
What would’ve happen if the Apollo astronauts stayed on the lunar surface for too long?
They would’ve been lunatics.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
‘Tis the sea-sun to be jolly.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
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