What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
What did the baby mouse do when she saw a bat?
She ran home and told her mother she saw an angel
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Avoid pier pressure.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Why do flamingos make bad pets? They are too much of a birden.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
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