Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken?
A poultry-geist.
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
When the theatre owner dies, his visitation hours are as follows: 1pm, 3pm, 6:30 pm, 9pm, and midnight.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What did the trumpet pharaoh do when his girlfriend told him to pull out?
Toot and come in.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
What do you call someone who loves dark beer?
Stouthearted.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
What was the first car Henry Fordasaurus invented? A Model T-Rex.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.
The reason why soccer players are brilliant in math is because they know how to use their heads well.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
"Say you'll be wine."
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
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