Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
When your putt lips out, what disease do you have?
Liprocy.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
Why did the witch's cat scratch her?
Because he was in a bad mewd.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
How do you make cheese even better?
You use a cheese grater of course!
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
What did the bad soccer announcer get for Christmas?
COOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
"Aloe you vera much."
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