What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
What was the favorite pass time of peasants from the medieval time period? They absolutely love to go serfing!
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
What did the pigeon say after being struck by lightning?
Not coo.
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
We make a great pear
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