I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
What’s happens to the sportiest horse?
It gets to be first horse-pick of the draft.
Where did the deer go to fix its tail?
The re-tail shop.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
I like you sow much.
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
How does the Easter bunny stay in shape?
Lots of eggs-ercise!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
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