I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Can I Alp you?
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
How do camels blend in?
With camel-flage
My dads astronaut friend ate pizza in space
He said it was out of this world.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
How do you know if there’s a snowman in your bed?
You wake up wet!
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
I love you deerly.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Did you know that old bowlers do not die? They simply end up in gutters.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Shepherds Pie
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Q: What is the opposite of a cold front?
A: A warm back
In on the ground flora.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
Even the most intelligent people can’t survive a day without electricity, like Stephen Hawking.
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