I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
You met all of my koala-fications
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.
Little to no goals.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Where do boats go when they feel sick?
To the dock.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
What do gnome mothers often say to their naughty children? Wait till your father gets gnome.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
I hate when I have to stop scuba diving
If makes me deep-pressed
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
Let me plant one on ya!
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
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