What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Military submarines are a deep navy blue in color.
I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
Did you hear about the guy who got fired from the Keyboard Factory?
He didn't put enough shifts in.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
My computer was running pretty hot
Until I downloaded some fan art, and now it's working better.
Why did the electricity documentary get such mixed reviews?
People weren’t sure how to feel after it’s shocking ending.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Where do cats go when they lose their tail? A re-tail store!
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
When moving a piece of furniture at the weather station, you'll be needing four casters.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What does it take to become a zombie?
Dead-ication.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
The main difference between the weather and a horse is that one rains down while the other is reined up.
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