Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What did Frankenstein say when he was struck by lightning?
Great! A jolt to the bolt!
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
Why did the slice of bread leave her boyfriend? She thought that he was just too knead-y.
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
My wife was watching me do some DIY and she said I hammer like lightning.
I never strike in the same place twice.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
Join us for plenty of play action.
What sound does a turkey's phone make? Wing! Wing!
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Car puns are really tiring
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Blue jeans are immortal. They never die, they just fade away!
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
You're the ruler of my heart.
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
What did the knife say to the other knife? Knife to meet you!
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
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