So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"
She said, "Not neccecelery."
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What kind of car does an otter drive? A Furrari.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones
My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
We’re a perfect mash.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
What did mother werewolf say to the naughty boy werewolf?
- We're werewolves, not swear-wolves.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
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