A hippie when his opponent disputes his calls: That’s pretty far-out, man!
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
I “lub” you.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.
Flying for long distances is very Boeing at times
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.
When the unicorn lost his job, there was nothing funny about being canned corn anymore.
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
---
You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Fairies just spell trouble.
[Drink] That’s a thirst down!
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
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