What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
The reason orange juice doesn’t slide well on hard wood floors is Because of pulp friction.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
I recently broke up with my caterpillar girlfriend.
She'd changed.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
What do you call a fast broomstick?
A vroom-stick.
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
Did you hear about the cows struck by lightning?
They were completely cattletonic!
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
When the husband of the queen gets back to his palace after climbing the mountain, the queen says "Hi, King!"
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
It’s worth a shot.
Why do mice need oiling ?
Because they squeak !
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I may not be the biggest football fan, but I love tight ends.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
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