I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...
" Oh no iv runed it"
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Did you hear about the chicken who could only lay eggs in the winter?
She was no spring chicken.
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
I’m soy
into you.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.
Did you hear about the famous Spanish streaker?
Senor Willy.
I was going to try putting a mushroom into my cola. I wanted to be a my cola gist.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
Why was the jar about to explode?
Cause it was jam-packed!
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
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