I painted my dog’s nails So he can look paw-ty.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
Why was the penguin so annoying?
Because he was always fishing for complements.
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
This foundation is rock salad.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
The IT peach-guy is an expert in the field of peach synthesis.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington's army?
Laugh-ayette!
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
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