Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Basketball players make good husbands. They never shoot their wives.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
What are crisp, like milk and go 'eek, eek, eek' when you eat them? Mice Krispies!
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
What’s the super-confusing way that pigs say I love you? “I a-boar-you.”
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
Why did Billy make a bunch of snowmen to be his friends?
Because he wanted to hang with the cool kids!
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
You know what really floats my boat?
Surface tension.
Vampires make awful businessmen. They just can't deal with the stakeholders.
How long have I loved you? I’ve lost track.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
We are mint to be.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
How are trumpets like pirates?
They both murder in the high C’s.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
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