My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
I got sick when I lost one of my ear buds.
It was mono.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
You sleigh me.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
What happens when a closet goes into fighting?
It turns into a wardrobe.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
What did the boy say when his mom made him prepare the corn for supper?
This shucks!
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?
Pier pressure.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
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