A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
When the past, present, and future go camping they always argue. It's intense tense in tents.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a boy swimming at the beach?
Buoyancy.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What do you call a fairy that doesn’t like to shower?
Stinkerbell.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
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