Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
What did the Jedi tell the sacred tree? May the forest be with you.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
I watched a good film about fishing last night.
It had a great cast.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What is the lesser-known sport used to measure a horse’s singing ability?
Carol racing.
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
There was a bald man who married his comb.
He promised, “I’ll never part with it!”
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What is a car’s favourite movie character?
Aerial from The Little Mermaid.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Shake your shamrocks.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
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