I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
You really mermaid my day.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
What do you call an undead bee?
A zom-bee.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
You snow the drill.
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
A company from Israel took over the Greek national cheese factory in Greece
Now it's called the Cheeses of Nazareth.
"Having a good hare day."
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
What roman never gets any dates?
Hidius
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
This foundation is rock salad.
What do you call an old snowman? A creek.
What did the pitcher tell the bat? Batter-up.
What did the llama get when he graduated school?
A dipllama.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Which barnyard animal is a famous painter?
Vincent Van Goat
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
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