What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
He threw three free throws.
I used to store motivational quotes that I found online, onto the cloud, for whenever I needed some inspiration.
Unfortunately I forgot the password for my Google account.
I have no Drive.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
Why did i murder the woman who served me a glass of wine?
Because i wanted tequila.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What is a baker’s favorite type of icing?
Fawn-dant.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
What do you call a parrot that won’t eat?
A Polly-no-meal.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
I got a parking ticket today and my husband just laughed.
He thought it was a fine joke.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
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