Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
I just had the most manly craft beer at my Israeli restaurant.
It was called He-Brew.
What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
There is a specific type of cats who love to go bowling. They are known as alley cats.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Ensure you save for the rainy day because even your closest friends can give you a cold shoulder.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
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