What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
We make a great pear
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
There's a new film out about two insects that meet in Italy.
It's Rome ants.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Never take a flamingo to the local swimming baths. They really don’t like claw-rine.
Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
How Do Ducks Talk?
They don't, you quack.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What do you call a goblin with an injured leg?
A hobblin' goblin.
Where does a ghost go on vacation? Mali-boo.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
I gave my heart to a girl from Great Britain.
She turns around and Brexit into a million pieces.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
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