What time does the Wicked Witch have her clocks set to?
Greenwitch Mean Time.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece?
Troy Story.
Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Why don’t elephants go to the beach?
Because their trunks always fall down.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
Why don't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
My boat is starting to sink, I'm going to sell it.
See my boat listing in the paper.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
Let's play some scrabble, I just need to get the croc-a-tiles.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Someone randomly dropped off a bull in my neighbor’s yard, but animal control picked it up before she got home.
She would have had a cow.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
I'm the life of the paddy.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
Round and round the rugged rock the ragged rascal ran.
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