Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
If the Hubble Telescope got married...
It would be called the Hubby Telescope.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
Why are crows the safest flying birds?
They're the most CAWtious.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
Why do ants work so hard?
They are all serv-ants.
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
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