Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Hurricane
Hurricane who?
Hurry! Cane you jog away from the storm?
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I have bean thinking about you.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms, reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
Building Inspectors should be stricter in Pisa, Italy.
Since they are a bit too *lean*ient.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
Do you know what firemen often add to their soup? – They add firecrackers.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
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