Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
How do you catch a squirrel who's interested in ornithology?
Climb a tree and act like a nuthatch.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Power naps are great. You can really build up charge with them.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
What do you call a boy and girl playing blues music? The battle of the saxes.
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What kind of horse do you ride after dark?
A night mare.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?
A UF-hoe.
What does an obstinate piglet always say to his mama?
“Sow what?”
A knight bursts into a blacksmith and yells "You smelt my armor!"
The blacksmith was calm and collected and replied: "Yes, and what a lovely scent it had."
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
Poor white splash.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
Your good seed for the day.
He threw three free throws.
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Who was the fastest runner in the race?
Adam, because he was first in the human race.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
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