What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Someone once asked if I ever played the violin
I told him that I had fiddled with it.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
After all is sled and done.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
A silent man walked into a bicycle shop...
He picked up a wheel and spoke.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Why do ghosts and demons get along so well? Demons are a ghoul’s best friend.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Q. Which square dancing step do stags enjoy most?
A. The Doe-si-Does.
Which dinosaurs were the best policemen? Tricera-cops.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
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