What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
If you have a line of 100 rabbits in a row and 99 of them take 1 step backwards, what do you have? A receding hare line.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
To the person who invented zero...
Thanks for nothing.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Wear green, or leaf.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Why do you think is the moon bald? Because it has no ‘air.
Why did the two bears break up at the North Pole?
They were polar opposites.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
"You're poaching all my best yolks."
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
We make a great pear
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
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