I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
What do you call a famous turtle?
A shell-ebrity.
You'd never get a rainbow in the red of night.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
The bag of flour was so confused.He thought that he saw his friend the loaf yeast-erday.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
I think therefore I yam.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
How many indie musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
It’s an obscure number, you probably haven’t heard it.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
"Yoda one for me."
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
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