I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
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