What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
Pirates Private Property.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
In order to get an accurate count of the herd, the farmer uses a cow-culator.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
Fir sure.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
One of my friends got lost while touring Tokyo. Turns out it was all Ja-plan.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
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