Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
Why did the artist cross the street? To crosshatch to the other side.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
We’re in a-green-ment.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
It’s snow joke.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
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