Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Why did the ocean break up with the pond?
She thought he was too shallow.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Pumpkin Spice season is finally here, better latte than never.
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
I just hear that the woman who lives next door and loves fruit died. I hope she would rest in peach.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Why was the little bee sent to bed without supper?
Because he wouldn't beehive.
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.
What do you call a guitar used to play pool?
A cue stick.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.
What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.
Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.
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