Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
What do frogs do with paper?
Rip-it.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
The best gift I ever got was a broken drum...
You can't beat it.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
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