Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
I had a few doubts about buying a big metal cabinet to store all my valuables.
Turns out... it was a safe purchase.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What do you call a goat on a mountain?
Hillbilly.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Thin grippy thick slippery.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror ? Halloumi (Hello me)
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
I found my friend using a round-edged knife to cut his steak
it wasn't really sharp of him.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
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