What did the lipstick say after he let down his friend?
I’ll make it up to you.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
How does a vampire bat enter his house?
Through the bat flap.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
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