Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap?
It was always on shale.
Why did the hipster chemist get burnt?
Because he touched the beaker before it was cool.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
"No wine left behind."
What is a crows favorite vegetable?
Corn on the caawb.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
After a good summer fling, it’s time to fall in love.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
I'm reading a romance book in Braille.
I don't think I'll finish. It's too touchy feely for me.
Watson: Sherlock, what type of rock is this amazing specimen?
Holmes: It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What do you call an ironing board that makes your clothes more wrinkly?
An irony board.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What kind of music do goats listen to?
Baaa-ch!
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
The chicken farmer died under mysterious circumstances.
The police suspect fowl play.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Can I Alp you?
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
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