I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Dear Winter — I'm breaking up with you. Summer is hotter than you.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Opposing coaches facing the Leafs in the 60s and 70s knew that Dave was the
one to Keon.
Have you ever heard of Pavlov’s dog?
Yeah, he rings a bell
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
My chair is missing an arm and a leg.
That doesn't sit well with me.
Why did the bat break up with her girlfriend?
She thought she was a pain in the neck.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
I can eat sugar with either hand, I'm ambidextrose.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
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