I've never seen the inside of my ears...
But I've heard good things.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
I heard someone broke out of prison using a sheep
I didn’t believe it until I saw the news and he was on the lamb.
I’m elf-taught.
What game do fawns like playing at sleepovers?
Truth-or-deer.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
He threw three free throws.
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What did the Mountain lion say to the bathroom attendant?
Out of the way, I’m about to Puma pants!
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
I used to make extra money by selling illegal tennis equipment on the side, but I was approached by some thugs who told me to stop.
I guess they control the Tennis Racket around here.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
I wanted make a joke about the ocean, but it's too deep
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
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