Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
I'm feeling exceptionally alone in this cold weather. It's probably because I'm completely ice-olated.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a pig?
Jurassic Pork.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
What do you call Bears without ears
B.
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
What type of songs do planets sing?
Nep-Tunes.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What is the name of the Hollywood movie that stars an "outlaw" brain and an "outlaw" woman on a road trip?
Thalamus and Louise.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
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