The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
Why do old artists never die? They just put things in perspective.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Why didn’t Bob drink a glass of water with 8 pieces of ice in it?
It was too cubed.
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
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