When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Why are eyes always the last organ harvested?
because they dilate.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.
What do you call a cold werewolf?
A chilli dog.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
The calm before the score
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
The photographer mummy was done with his shoot. So he told his crew to wrap it up.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
A plant is fine, a shrub is fine, but tree's a crowd.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Struggle with your Children's Math homework?
Apparently it's quite common in five out of every four homes.
Where do ghosts play volleyball at? At the volleyball corpse.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
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