Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
They say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb. Ewe might say it leaves sheepishly.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.
I got full marx.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
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