Need an ark?
I noah guy.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
Did you hear about the aquarium owner?
His shark was worse than his pike.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
What’s a werewolve's favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas!
What did the confused cat say? I’m purr-plexed!
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.
People hated Ho Chi Minh because he was Hanoi-ing.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
I'm reading a book called "The Yellow River"
It's written by I.P. Freely
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
Are these pants too tight in the Balzac?
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
You're one in a melon.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
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