Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What’s the best place to do math homework?
On a multiplication table.
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Windmills? I’m a huge fan!
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
Wow, wouldn’t mind if you became my significant otter.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
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