When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What's a camel's favorite part of a meal?
Desert!
A fly fell down out of nowhere on my wrist
It died on my watch.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
What did Communists use to light their houses before candles? Electricity.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
When it rains chickens and ducks, the best description for the weather is foul weather.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
How do koalas stay in shape? They do bearobics.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
Psychologist: What brings you here today?
Squirrel: I realized I am what I eat….. Nuts.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential
Petest Parkest.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen
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