A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What steps do you take when you see a tiger running towards you? Big ones!
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
That look soots you.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Call me on the shellphone.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
You're one in a melon.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
A man has found water while digging in his backyard. For many years, he used the water at home saving tons of money until one day, the water stopped flowing. So he dug a little bit further and found water again and used it for years until it also dried up. This time, he went further, brought a digging machine, and dug a deeper hole until he found water.
Neighbors, annoyed by the noise, called the local sheriff who arrives to check what was happening in the backyard. The sheriff discovering the scene in the backyard says:
"Well, well, well ... What have we got here?"
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
What do you call a paper plane that doesn't fly ?
Stationary.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
The Genie granted my wish for longer arms, but he warned me My wish would have far reaching consequences.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
Why do ghouls like ice cream?
Because it’s ghoulilicous!
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