My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
He couldn't get over his dead wife, so he got a new computer
Now he can processor.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
I read dead people.
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
I was going to become a biologist. But all the endless coursework on hearts and lungs and kidneys and so on just made it seem like one long organ recital.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
What did the zombie get when she was late to dinner?
The cold shoulder.
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
What type of baseball player gives out all the water?
The Pitcher.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
It is only late August, yet the leaves are already turning brown. Autumn came early this year. Orange you glad?
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
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