What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
Why was the cat kicked out of the game? They thought she was a cheetah.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Where my prose at?
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I met my wife at a travel agency
She was looking for a vacation and I was her last resort.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children.
It's their responsibility to choose which Medical School they'll graduate from.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
What did the fairy say to the other fairy?
It’s fairy nice to meet you!
How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."
Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What did the cake say to start the fight with the fork?
You want a piece of me?
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
“If you step on a purple mushroom, you’ll be forced to marry the ugliest person in the world,” warned the old gnome, so the man continued carefully through the woods.
He didn’t step on any purple mushrooms.
Suddenly a beautiful woman walked up and said: “We have to get married.”
“Why?” asked the man, smiling.
“I just stepped on one of those pesky purple mushrooms!”
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
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