How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
First, a tractor.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
When the moisture from the sky stops falling
It really stops waning
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
We bee-long together.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
Bake big batches of bitter brown bread
Don't get tide down.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
Professor: "What's a hydraulic ram used for?" "It's where you get steel wool!"
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
In the eyes of the lawn.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
"Just one hot chick."
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
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