Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Octopus ocular optics.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
A baseball walks into a bar. The bartender throws him out.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
Which monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Trying to teach my dad how to put WiFi on his tablet
Me: You just have to go to settings!
Dad: This is just making me upsettings!
On the spot no hesitation! Gotta love him!
Paddy like a rockstar.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
What did the Little Mermaid say to Triton before she left?
- If you need me, call me on my shell.
What does the mummy parrot say to her baby? Beak-areful!
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.
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