I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
We've reached the point of snow return.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My wife was a bit down so I decided to redecorate our living room.
Thought it would chair her up but sofa she haven't even noticed
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Should a gun company rename themselves "Question"?
That's a loaded Question
How do monkeys get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
How did the ponies stay in touch?
C-horse-pondence.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
The police hung up the phone call when I informed them about a murder in my front yard. They said they could not do anything regarding the crows.
What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?
One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
You shamrock my world.
Q: How do you stop newspapers from flying away on windy days?
A: Use a news anchor!
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
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