Napoleon may not have designed the coat he wore, but he did have a hand in it.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
How did the shark plead in its murder trial?
Not gill-ty.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
I'm Going to Host a Boat Race.
The winner will get pasta. It will be called the Penne Regatta.
What’s a penguin’s favorite salad?
Iceberg lettuce!
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
Did you know there's a college in the brain for hippopotami?
It's called the Hippocampus.
Wind turbine mechanics and engineers are very fond of the blew color!
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
No, I'm not concerned about crows infesting my house...
It's actually just a mynah problem.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Your good weed for the day.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.”
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
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