The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
How did that avocado baker make bread?
With avoca-dough.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
What did the rainbow say to the other rainbow? Nothing, it was feeling blue.
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
What do you call a clever monster?
Frank Einstein.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
Broken pencils are pointless.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
When I tell you how much I love you, I'm not overreacting.
Why was the football pitch a triangle?
Because someone took a corner
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
My friend dragged me to a lecture about lamps. I though it would be boring but...
It was very illuminating.
Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
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