What do vampire bats call their friends?
Blood brothers.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Why doesn't McDonald's serve escargot? Because it's not fast food.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
When my doc said that my kitchenware diet was bad for my bowels, I crapped my pans.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
"I need to re-wine my life."
My dog loves designer hand-bags.
So I got him a Poochi.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
I've got 4 eyes, 3 legs, 1 tail, and 12 toes. What am I?
A liar.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Why were the utensils stuck together?
They were spooning.
Berries are the most fashionista of the fruits, they can really cherry off the wildest outfits.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
Go to BabaMail
