What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
I can cut a piece of wood with my own eyes just by looking at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
"You're a real good egg."
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-cola.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Why did the ocean leave the party early?
She was getting really tide.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Why do freshwater fish cry so much?
They’re just a stream of emotions.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
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