I was walking by a yard sale the other day.
I saw a radio for $1. The volume dial was broken but I knew I couldn’t turn that down.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Why do bananas like to use sunscreen?
Because they peel!
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
Why can't basketball players go on vacation?
They aren't allowed to travel.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
We are thinking of spending the night at the peach house, by the shore.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
Which side of a penguin has the most feathers?
The outside.
My strategy is simple, knocking them down a pin at a time.
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
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