What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What happens to great actors? They get nominated for an a-cat-emy award!
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Do You Know How Crabs Get Around On Land?
They Use The Sidewalk!
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
I used to own a raven. It could speak English, but the only word it could speak was "car".
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
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