I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
I cant use the urinals when there's a person next to me, I get pee-er pressure
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
What's green and got two wheels?
A motorpickle.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
Never trust a flamingo unless you can be sure it has fully fledged ideas.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.
What do mermaids wash their fins with?
Tide.
On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
What's the ghoul's favorite sauce?
Grave-y.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
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