Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Why don't dinosaurs ever forget? Because no one ever tells them anything!
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
He has some good puns on crows, but he doesn’t have to keep crowing about it.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Why do some zombies only eat the rich?
They are in the mood for something gore-met.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone for so long but then it finally dawned on me.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
"Yoda one for me."
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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Midwife (handing me the baby): "Make sure you’re supporting his head."
Me: "That’s a great head you have there, Well done!"
If it ain’t brogue, don’t fix it.
An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
I’m not a bad putter…
I just can’t catch a break.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
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