I’ll be there in a pinch.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
"Some bunny needs vodka."
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.
I expect a long sentence.
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
Girlfriend wants to get married...
This came as startling news, I don't want her to!
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
There was a weird Crab
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
You’re my lucky charm.
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
My son painted six Easter eggs the colors of the infinity gems.
I told him he made an Egg-finity omelette.
If Roman Emperor Nero was born in Egypt..
He might have been a Far-o.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What do you call an otter with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea? Denis.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
A certain Leafs right-winger was sued by the Louisiana government. He was
Owen N'awlins.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
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