The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
"I'm nuts about you."
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Keep calm and leprech-on.
Ed Belfour's new contract offer isn't high compared to other goal tenders.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
What do you do if you spill maple syrup all over your keyboard?
Just turn off sticky keys.
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Where do phones like to travel?
To the Great Call of China!
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
I came across an injured flamingo the other day. I tried to help, but luckily it was already receiving medical tweetment.
What all kinds of stars wear the sunglasses? The movie stars.
In the Camel Kingdom, the king and his family live in the Camelot castle.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Fairies just spell trouble.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
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