"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why did the geologist go on a date to the quarry?
He wanted to be a little boulder.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What is a car’s preferred TV program?
The Driving Dead.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
Cold Ski Pun of the Day: I'm tired of slalom skiing. Alpine over another telemark now.
Chairlift Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, is it really windy up here, or are you just blowing me away?
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Why should you never mess with a Gladiator who knows his English literature?
First he'll bellowulf at you, then he'll shakespeare
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
We’re a perfect mash.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
I put a humidifier and dehumidifier in the same room. What do you think will happen? That's a mist-ery.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
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