Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
Set or be set. This is certainly the right way to look at things.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
A week after the werewolf swallowed the farmer’s clock, it had ticks all over.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What instrument never fails to energize a crowd?
An electric guitar.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
It takes one to snow one.
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