What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?
His name is Juan O'Clock.
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
What did Mama pig ask her kids every day after school?
“Hoofeels hungry?”
What is a blue whale’s favourite James Bond Film?
Licence to Krill.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
"Time to wine down."
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Which car does the Mensa student drive?
A Smart car.
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