What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Organ donors really put their heart into it.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
I gave my wife a lamp for our anniversary.
Someone’s getting LED tonight.
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
What color socks do bears wear?
They don’t wear socks, they have bear feet.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
My lifeguard friend had come back home and wanted to do some work, so I gave him my computer to use. Now I have a screen-saver at my house.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
I just finished my masters in engineering with a concentration in adhesives...
Within the next year I want to publish my first book on tape.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
I'm snow bored.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
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