I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
When the Frenchman asked for a book on warfare on Battle of Waterloo from his librarian, she said, "You're just going to lose it."
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
Zero lucks given on St. Patrick’s Day.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf taught!
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
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