I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Whale, hello there.
What did the Australian cowboy charge for kangaroo rides?
A Buckaroo
Wish upon a starfish.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I don’t think she’ll be able to pull it off.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I got them all cut.
Today I Learned I should NOT have my password be the name of my cat.
I then turned to my cat and said, "Well, wJ:cg/v&A;6BTt, I guess it's back to the drawing board."
How does a penguin make pancakes?
With its flippers.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Top 25 Funniest Duck Names:
1. James Pond
2. Quack Sparrow
3. Duck Norris
4 Quacks-a-Lot
5 Quackhead
6 Quacko
7. Quackers
8. Nutquacker
9. Quacker Jack
10. Quack Efron
11. Quack Black
12. Moby Duck
13. Quackula
14. Sir Duckington
15. Eggbert
16. Quackers
17. Duckleberry Finn
18. Quacker Jack
19. Lucky Duck
20. Cheese and quackers
21. Quaker Jack
22. Duckingham Palace
23.Waddles
24. Quackie Chan
25 Firequacker
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What do Ents wear to the beach?
Sandalwood.
What do they use to get a tan?
Palm oil.
Longfellow is the known poet of basketball.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
You’re my pot of gold.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
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