Live to tell the tail.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What happened to the skier who was injured the the top of the peak?
It's been all downhill from there.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Why did the pig have a heart attack?
Too much bacon.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Never laugh at your spouse’s choice… You’re one of them.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
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