An ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants.
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
How did Michael Jackson revolutionize cooking in space?
Moon Wok!
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
How did the kittens express their love for each other? In Holy Catrimony
How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
I’m feelin’ pine.
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on?!
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
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