Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
How do you hold a bat?
By the wings.
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a pot. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
Why couldn’t the police arrest the skeleton?
They couldn’t pin anything on him.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
What do you call a painting by a cat of herself? A self paw-trait.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A baboom.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
The Azteca Stadium in Mexico has been so neglectfully maintained that there are foot-long grasses on the pitch. Now we call it the Grass-teca Stadium.
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
What do you call someone who loves dogs?
A pug addict.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
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