Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
I’m soy
into you.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Forgive me father, pastor, vicar, padre, priest...
For I have synonymed.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
I hope you have an absolutely fin-tastic day!
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
You're so clover!
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
This weekend is going to be LITerary.
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
We’re calling your number.
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