What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
Car puns are really tiring
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What did the snowplow guy say when his equipment broke down?
Take this job and shovel it!
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Where do monkeys go when they lose their tails?
To a retailer.
"What an egg-citing day."
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
What does a monkey wear while cooking?
An ape-ron.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
"You bake me crazy."
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