What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
You snow the drill.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
I used to be a narcissist.
But now look at me.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.
I had a tattoo of a Scorpion on my back last night and to tell the truth...
It stings like hell.
Why are Catholics the best runners during the Easter season?
They fast during Lent!
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Q: Why could the fruits not see anything?
A: It was peach black there.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Got into my car and realized my wife had shut off all the A/C vents.
Definitely not cool.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
There are so much beautiful sceneries near the river valleys. They are totally gorges.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.
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