Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
The Beavers have the ugliest house in the neighborhood.
It’s a dam shame.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
Mix a box of mixed biscuits with a boxed biscuit mixer.
Why Did the Whale Cross the Ocean?
To get to the other tide.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
"On cloud wine."
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
Calm before the score
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Why couldn't Vivaldi play medieval music?
Because his violin was Baroque
I’m soy
into you.
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
My father in law has had an ear infection for three weeks.
I had to double check that, it didn't sound right.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.
They're mouthbreathers.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
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