What kind of dog keeps everything they own?
A hoarder collie.
How did the mother know her child would become a neuroanatomist?
He was constantly staining stuff.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
Pardon me if I’m being pool-itically incorrect.
I had my dad proof read an essay of mine back in High School. He said my grammar was a little funny.
Apparently I need to work on my pun-ctuation.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
What do you call a goat that lip-syncs?
Billy Vanilli.
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
What do you call a pony running in a circle? Centrifugal horse.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it becomes a soap opera.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
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