What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
One-one was a race horse. Two-two was one too. One-one won one race. Two-two won one too.
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What is Romeo and Juliet's least favorite fruit?
Can't- elope!
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
What do you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A dead ringer.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
I need to stop being such a numbskull.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Wanna hear a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there's Norway you'd laugh at it.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody knows
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
The winning home run didn't surprise the hitter. He did it all without batting an eye.The baseball player loved his treadmill and all the home runs.
"Some bunny needs vodka."
What do you call an elf who won’t share?
Elfish.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
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