What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
Why wasn’t the giraffe invited to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
My girlfriend told me she's breaking up with me because of my football obsession.
I told her she'll need to wait till the summer window if she wants a free transfer.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
What do golf and se* have in common?
They’re two things you can enjoy even if you’re bad at both of them.
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
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