I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What kind of birthday cake do they serve in heaven?
Angel food cake.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What advice did the grandpa pig have for his kids?
“Don’t take anything for grunted.”
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
What do you call the people that you eat grass and produce milk alongside?
Cow-workers!
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
How many sheets could a sheet slitter slit if a sheet slitter could slit sheets?
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
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