How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Where do beavers keep their money? Well, they keep it in the riverbank.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
I'm investigating the tooth fairy, and it's going well...
I've managed to get a molar into her operation. I'm going to find out the tooth at the root of all this.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
I’ll never leaf you.
Which one of King Arthur's knights named the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Through three cheese trees, three free fleas flew. While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew. Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze. Freezy trees made these trees’ cheese freeze. That’s what made these three free fleas sneeze.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
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