It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
When is the best time to paint a dog?
When they're asleep.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Doofus was the stupidest of Roman generals.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
What’s a buck’s least favorite sandwich bread?
Sour doe.
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why did the Meteorologist go to hospital?
He was feeling under the weather.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
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