If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
My lobster's name is:
Claude
What would you rather be, a polar bear or a little otter. A little (h)otter
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
I prefer the new system to reviewing line calls. When Hawk-eye came around, I breathed a big Cy-clops of relief.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What kind of chips do you eat in the bath?
Shower cream and onion.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a Martian?
An eggs-traterrestrial.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!
What do emo birds call their mouths?
Bleaks.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What did the father buffalo say to his kid when he left for college?
Bi son!
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
What do you call a computer that plays tennis?
A server
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
How does a bee travel to a tree? They get on the buzz.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
How do eggs get around?
On a s-egg-way.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but first I must ask her father's permission...
I have to question the pop before I pop the question.
Q. Why was the blonde disappointed after her visit to an apiary?
A. There weren't any gorillas there. DUH!
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