The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.
A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
Why should anyone experiment with thin ice?
It’s the best way to achieve a major breakthrough.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
This foundation is rock salad.
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Our game is as tight as our spandex. This would be an awesome team motto.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
My wife chose a new dining table with a metal frame instead of a wooden one
I complimented her on picking an unteak.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
Where does the sun hide at night? Just keep looking for it, it'll dawn on you soon!
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
Before they go out to a basketball game, all cheerleaders down several bottles of root beer.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
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