What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
When the peach pit farewell to his friend, he said, "See you later, peach out".
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
My friend, who's a geneticist and a rapper crossed a gorilla with an orang utan
That's his new mixed ape.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
Why did a baseball player decide to take a job at a used car lot during his off season?
He wanted to work on his sales pitch.
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
What is the study of real estate? Homology
Why don’t clams give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish!
Time fries when you’re having fun!
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
You really mermaid my day.
Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What is a cat’s favorite piece of artwork? The paw-trait of Meowna Lisa.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
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