People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cat a bath?
It will surely end in a cat-astrophe.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing?
“I’m not a people porcine.”
Dad has a pet snake that eats the grass in his yard.
It's a lawnboa.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
What do you call a werewolf who doesn't know he's a werewolf ?
Unawarewolf.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why did the bus driver take a break? He needed to 'stop' and refuel!
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
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