Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What dog does Dracula own?
A blood-hound.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it’s a Greyhound.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Call me on the shellphone.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
What is Jack Frost’s favourite mode of transport?
A Tr-Ice-cycle
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
I'm Claus-trophobic.
What do you call a camel with three humps?
Pregnant.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
My moment in the sun.
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
It takes one to snow one.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
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