What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
What happens to elves who misbehave?
They get the sack.
What goes inside elves’ pointy shoes?
Their mistletoes.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate,
the greedy ape said as he ate,
the greener green grapes are,
the keener keen apes are
to gobble green grape cakes,
they're great!
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
I lost my grip, and my beer shattered on the floor.
This Corona outbreak is really getting out of hand.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Ann and Andy's anniversary is in April.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
What does a house wear?
Address.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut
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