What do you call someone who's obsessed with Christmas? Santa-mental.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
Girls just wanna have sun!
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What did the ghost say to the bee
“BOOBEE”
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Don't fork-get your manners.
What did Medieval postmen wear?
Chain mail.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a kangaroo? A stripy jumper!
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
Which color is the fastest?
Red, because it is always redy.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
What do you call a parrot with an umbrella? Polly unsaturated.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Someone from Southern France sent me an MS Word file with 200 pages.
It's a Languedoc.
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
What goes dot-dot-croak, dot-dash-croak?
Morse toad.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
"Love the wine you're with."
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
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