What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
Q. What do you get when a swine artist mixes two colors together?
A. Pigment.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.
How much do you love rainbows? Just a skittle bit.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
"I think you should embrace the change, son"
Said my father as he handed me a handful of coins.
What’s a bats favorite desert?
I-Scream!
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee.
But no, I was charged $30 a pop.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
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