If you are wondering about the most important constitutional right of a peach citizen, well, it's none other than freedom of peach.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
What do you call a knight who wants to overthrow the King?
Sir Plant.
You snow the drill.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
What does a funeral home hair stylist handle on a daily basis?
A brush with death
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
I love all my computer brands and sometimes give ’em smooches.
But I never kiss Intel.
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
What do you say to an avocado who’s done a good job?
“Bravocado!”
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
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