What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
The goal nine yards
Why do ghosts like elevators? They raise their spirits.
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
What happens if you read too many Painful baseball Puns?
You're left in stitches.
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
They only like sole.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
My pet turtle died.
I'm not upset - just shell-shocked.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Flamingos can be a bit of a daring bunch. In fact, they always fly by the seat of their pants.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
What do dogs and commas have in common? Dogs have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
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