I’m stuck on you like igloo.
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
The lake did not like the river because it felt that the river was not very lake-able.
My glasses may be fogged up, but don’t worry I’ll be fine.
I’m optimistic!
What is a car’s favourite colour?
Racing car green.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
Hunny.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I yam what I yam.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Q. Where do red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet crayons like to go hiking?
A. Colorado.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play needs a cast.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
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