Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What do you call a horse that is good at football?
Neighhhhh-mar.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my black and white tattoos
She just really needed a shoulder to crayon
If someone says, “See you later alligator,” you must respond with, “In a while crocodile.”
It’s in the bye laws.
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
After all is sled and done.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Did you hear about the gorilla with a screw loose?
He needed to use a money wrench to tighten it.
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
She didn’t date the gardener. He was too rough around the hedges.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
When doesn’t a bull have horns?
When it’s a bullfrog.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Somehow they knew I wanted champagne. It was chilling.
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
What's more amazing than a talking bat? A spelling bee!
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
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