What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
A woman who gave birth in a tree was sent to jail
She was charged with treeson
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
You’ll be Dublin your fortune soon.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What did the chemist cowboy tell his horse? HIO Ag!
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
What did the drum say about his childhood?
Those were the cymbaler days.
What happens if someone chucks a rock at you? You hit the rock’s bottom.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
What kind of car does a mouse drive?
A mini van.
If I buy you guacamole, will you sleep with me?
You must think I’m some kind of avocad-ho.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
The baker just felt this incredible knead to make bread. That’s certainly the truth.
I'm pine-ing for you.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
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