The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.
Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
What does a baby vampire say before going to bed?
- Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
I’m browsing the winter-net.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Though it sounds mean, a bad soccer team is much like an old bra. It has no cups and minimal support.
How do recreational league baseball players stay so cool?
They sit among their fans.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
Why did the blonde run backward?
She wanted to gain weight.
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
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