Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
What is Jehovah's witness' favorite band? The Doors.
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
I beg your garden?
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
What do police officers do when they are on the volleyball court? They serve and protect.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
During the Great Depression, President Hoover didn't give a dam.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
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