What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Scuba diving is a good hobby... if you wanna hit rock bottom.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
What is the the chemical formulation for candy molecules? Carbon, Holmium, Cobalt, Lanthanum, Tellerium—or ChoCoLaTe.
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Gold riddance.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
What happened when the beer got divorced?
It became bitter.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
I used to have a scuba diving business
But it went under.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
"Some people have no guts."
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Why are trees so silly? All of their puns arboring and acorny.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
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