What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
Icy what you did there.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What advice do ghosts give their children? Only spook when spoken to.
How does the Pope dry his hands?
He uses a Papal towel.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
I went to an Easter party as a Jesus cosplayer
I told them I was a crossplayer.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
I asked a panda if he was my friend.
He said, “Just bearly”.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
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