I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
A witch with chickenpox is called an itchy-witchy.
What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Car puns are really tiring
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Some people stand up off the toilet before they flush, but I don’t
I don’t want to see that sh**!
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
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