What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Basketball is the only sport where the basket is filled but never gets full.
I was attacked by a group of mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
What do you call a Yeti Gardener?
A hairy potter.
What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street?
Gives a brain wave.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
I'm fondue you, it's true
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
She was wheeled to the operating room, but then she underwent a change of heart.
You’re udder-ly perfect.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA... BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAA...
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
What’s the first line of the pig bible? “In the bacon-ing…”
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
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