Why is a giraffe’s neck so long?
Because its head is so far from its body.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
If Moses were alive today, why would he be considered a remarkable man?
Because he would be several thousand years old.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
"No eggs-cuses."
Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Shrek isn't bad, but he's not that great either. I guess you could say he's medi-ogre.
What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
I knew a guy that got struck by lightning twice.
It was a re-volting scene.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.
What did one ornament say to another? I like hanging with you.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
What do you call a cat that works at a printing shop?
A copy cat.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why did the farmer hang raincoats all over his orchard? Someone told him he should get an apple Mac
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
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