Why did the flower take her husband back after he cheated?
She rose above it.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
Did you know the Mississippi River is a girl?
If it was a guy it would be the misterssippi River.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.
Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Q. What happened when the computer geeks met?
A. It was love at first site!
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
My sister wanted to marry the postman
but our parents didn't letter.
So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
Why did the aspen date the poplar? She really found him to be in-tree-guing.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
How did the Iceland repel the bananas attack? By freezing them
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
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