Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
I used to be a werewolf but I’m ok noooooooooooow!!
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
You’re the queen of my heart.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
What fish like to fly?
Flying Fish
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?"
"Sure. That's easy," said one man.
"What is it?"
"H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O."
"What, what?" reasked the instructor.
"H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
I'd advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
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