Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
Why did the zombie go crazy?
He had lost his mind.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
How many software engineers do you need to change a light bulb?
None – it’s a hardware problem.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What's the weather like in Mexico?
Chili today, hot tamale.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
Why shouldn't you iron a four-leaf clover?
You don't want to press your luck!
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
You are pitcher perfect.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
An electrocuted turtle feels shell-shocked.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
What is the definition of a slug? A snail with a housing problem!
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
I “lub” you.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
What vegetable lives in your heart?
Beets.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
It's weird being colorblind in an art gallery. Everything's a pigment of the imagination.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
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