I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
Did you hear about the orange boxer?
He got beaten to a pulp.
What did the river ask the beaver? "Water you doing today?"
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Purple paper people, purple paper people, purple paper people.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Don’t come to France without any Monet.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
How do you find zebra?
Look under zeshirt.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
When does a turkey go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
"I'm nuts about you."
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”
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