What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
Love at frost sight!
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
Why do mummies like myelin?
Because of all the wrapping.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What do witches' cats like to have for breakfast?
Mice crispies.
My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet
We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
Why don’t vampire’s make good artists?
Because all they draw is blood.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
Why are elves so cold at Christmas?
Because it's in Decembrrrrr.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.
Today he died of his gunshot wounds.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a woodpecker?
Bat-a-tat.
How do horses show gratitude?
Flank you very much.
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
It’s worth a shot.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
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