Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
Q. What did the Aussie zookeeper say to the gorilla who was spying on him?
A. There's no need to pry, mate.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
I was at the beach and saw this guy in the water yelling, “Help, shark! Help!
I just laughed because I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Did you know that camels can last longer without water than se*?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What do you get when a duck bends over?
It’s Buttquack
How does Big Foot find his way through the deepest darkest forests?
He just follows the big footpath!
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
In on the ground flora.
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