How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Why did the skeleton go to acting classes?
He wanted tibia star.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
You knead me in your loaf.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
Why did the skier from Helsinki dominate the downhill slalom competition?
He led the race from start to Finnish.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Variety is the ice of life.
A round of Santa-plause, please.
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
What did the deer say to his friend who has slipping down the mountain?
Hang on for deer life!
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. "GET OUT OF HERE!!!" The Bartender shouts we don't serve your type!
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
Why shouldn't you mess with Santa? Because he has a black belt.
I'm pine-ing for you.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Biology - It grows on you.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
My parents always told me I can be anything I wanted, the sky's the limit
This made me sad because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Elon Musk is now the richest person on the planet.
Space X has really taken off this past year.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
Badum chhh
Why are fish so smart?
They are always in schools!
What do you get if cross a science fiction film with a toad?
Star Warts.
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