What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/4th.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed?
You buy it from the cat-alog!
What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Eleph-ino! (Sounds like "Hell if I know!")
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Fairies just spell trouble.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
No-bunny is as hare-larious as you.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
When Napoleon is indecisive, he is torn-apart-e.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
I banged my head on a low bridge.
Would have been ok if viaduct.
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
How does the Easter Bunny stay fit?
Egg ercise.
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