Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What do you call a Viking who's been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Two fruit flies are out for dinner.
I'm really enjoy this date...”
“Yeah, but it’s only half rotten.”
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
“What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!”
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
We've reached the point of snow return.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran
We bee-long together.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
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