Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Couple of friends have decided to put theatre style seats in their house. It will end in tiers.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
Why was the crab embarrassed?
Because the sea weed.
Why are big boats called "Yachts"?
Because they cost "Yachts of money".
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
I like celebrating Fathers' Day, but I'm not a dad.
I guess I'm just a faux pas.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
"You can't beat me."
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
I only have ice for you.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Q. What is a gorilla in a wheelchair called?
A. Dis-ape-led.
"Hey there, hop stuff."
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
Q: How do you stop an angry tiger from charging?
A: Take away his credit cards.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
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