How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Golf is a lot like taxes:
You go for the green and wind up in the hole.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
A drum rolled down a hill.
Ba-dum tsssh!
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
This is snow laughing matter!
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
A Bee?
A bee who?
A beaver is building a dam on the river.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
Why doesn't Daniel Tosh eat Hot Dogs? He can't find the zipper
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
What do you get when you cross a lion with a parrot?
I don't know, but when it talks, you better listen.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
An owl had a sore throat but wasn't bothered.
He couldn't give a hoot.
Why is it harder for Orange Juice to slide across a floor than apple juice?
Pulp Friction.
“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
"Aloe you vera much."
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
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