What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
What did one cactus say to the other cactus ?
"Lookin sharp !"
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
49. What does a child car play with?
Toy-otas.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
It’s easy to spot a sad flamingo. They get really blue.
It’s snow joke.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Q. What do swine use to chat up a date?
A. Pig-Up Lines!
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Each time the cow escaped, the farmer would find him hiding in Moo York City.
Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
You know why I love bread puns? Because they never go stale.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
Should you plant flowers in any month besides April?
May as well!
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
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