This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
Why did the junkie adopt a one legged crow?
So he could get crow cane from his vet.
Who is the wasps' favorite singer?
Sting.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Where do fish sleep? In a river bed
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
Where do geologists like to relax? In a rocking chair Why are geologists good at stand up comedy? They know really dirty jokes.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
Why did the toddler chew on pebbles? He wanted to eat rock candy.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
What do you call a freezing bear?
A brrrrrrr.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Tropic like it's hot.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
Who’s an apple’s favorite relative?
Granny.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
The snuggle is real.
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