Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
I'm snow bored.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Why should a bowling alley be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop!
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
What do grizzlies use in the shower?
Bear conditioner.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Where do zombies go sailing?
Lake Eerie.
All the chairs in my town were stolen
The people can’t stand it.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
Go to BabaMail
